This Is My Life;

i haven't typed in forever and a day. daaamn, the reason is because i've been really happy. i totally got my life back in order. everything that i ever complained about loosing i fought to get back. and now i do have those people back. i've never been this happy in a while.
plus! i'm with travis. 080508 till forver. i'm so happy with him. the way he just cuddles with me and covers me with his jacket so i don't get cold. he knows what i'm feeling even before i feel it. i'm so happy with him. i love you baby! i'm gonna get back into typing more. okay okay. bye.

February 20, 2008

So, I get the nerve to tell him that I like him, and he tells me the worst, I wasn't expecting him to like me too, or ask me out. But he already has a gf? I mean dude, it kinda was a bummer. I'm getting better though, hmm.
I don't know, kinda chill with "love" right now. I'm using that term very loosely.
Any who, I just don't let what people say go to my head anymore. 

Will I live to see the sun rise? It's just a matter of time. I'm being fed lies still. I take them in as if they were the truth.

 February 15, 2008.

So things happened last night. Ken called.
I think I get excited for no reason. He only wanted someones number then he talked about it for a while.
I was in tears when we hung up, just because I miss him so much.
I fixed my Ken shelf last night, everythings perfect.
I have a box full of all the flowers that he EVER gave me. No joke.
They're all dead though now, lol.
I'm getting frames to put the really cute pictures he drew me in.
And I have the song he wrote me in a music box.
It's kinda hard to go through that stuff. I realize how much I really miss him. 

Tell me I'll be okay.

February 13, 2008.

I haven't typed in a long time. The truth is because I'm in a mess of a situation. And I'm just so apathetic. I've been writing on paper, but I just don't have the energy to get on the computer anymore. I'm not happy.
I would give the world to be as close with my best friend as I used to be. I don't understand why other people mean more to him...I've always been there. I didn't think I had ever done anything wrong. I really thought I found my real best friend, but I guess not to him....it's depressing.
And that's why I'm sad. I don't know what else to type. My world revolves around Ladd, nothing and NOBODY will ever change that. I don't understand why it changed for him...? What did I do wrong?

January 31, 2008

I remember kissing Ladd as like one of the happiest moments in my life. It felt like a rush of energy coming out. Like everything that I wanted to tell him in words, that I couldn't, came out. Like it mattered, like I mattered.
I remember afterwards the only thing he said was whoa. I remember having to turn away because my smile was so big it was making tears in my eyes. I remember going to sleep that night thinking about how perfect life is, how lucky I was. Because my best friend became something more and I really knew that I wanted that. I fell in love with him. I never saw it happening but it did. And I never confronted myself about it when I was first falling for him, because I liked it. I liked looking at him and feeling alive. I liked hugging him and wanting more. I liked being in the same room as him and just staring. I liked talking on the phone with him for hours, sometimes hearing nothing but the buzz of the phone, but still knowing in my heart that he was on the other line still.
People are saying that were only in middle school, that we don't know what love it. Things aren't going to be that different next year, it's going to be the same people. But I know what love is. Because when I lost Ken, I couldn't sleep because I was scared that I would dream about being with him still. When he broke up with me, I cried the whole rest of the day at school, I forced myself to get ready for my first b-ball game, and I wiped my tears during the game acting like they were sweat. I torn apart. And I never cried so hard. I still can't listen to the songs that he called ours, or the radio station that we tried so many times to get on or even just to play a song that we requested. I can't even look at our pictures without remembering a story from us and crying my eyes out. I still love Ken, even though I say I don't, I still do.
But it's not the same with Ladd....because I'm still in love with him. And that hurts even more. I can't just look at Ladd, I have to fucking stare. He's my whole life. But lately I've been feeling that I'm not even a part of his anymore. ):
People change I know that. But I've always been there for him, through everything we've gone through everything together. And I just don't feel important to him anymore. And I'm in love with him. Even though I hide it.

 
He's the only one who can make me smile. I've never felt this close to another person in my life before. I love him, and that's something that I wish I just wouldn't anymore. If I love him I'm sad because it doesn't matter. If I don't love him maybe I wouldn't hurt so much. Maybe it would be possible for me to fall asleep at night with him on my mind. It's not so much missing him that hurts, it's missing the person that he made me. I should be happy that were still best friends....or should I be sad because that's all that we'll ever be?

January 20, 2008.

I'm kind of at a loss of words once again. Nothing is really in my heart right now, nothing really to understand. I just want to be loved and cared for. Sigh. I'm still running away from my feelings just so I'm not in a sad mood. But I can't run away forever. Eh. I never think of myself anymore. I pray for my friends. Wish at 11:11 for my friends. Stare at the sky thinking of my friends. I don't care for myself anymore. I'm a wreak, and I don't matter. So forget myself.

 

January 17, 2008

I've been praying a lot more lately.
Most for other people, but these last two nights I've been doing some very deep thinking. And I finally prayed for myself last night. I ended up sobbing into my hands trying to stay up on my knees. I was reviewing everything. And I was a mess. My make-up was dripping all the way down my face, and I was shaking. I collapsed and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what triggered me crying so hard until I almost fell asleep. I closed my eyes and I saw just his last name, the way that I used to write it. And when I opened my eyes back up, they were looking at my wall. And not just at any spot, they were looking at the spot that Ken wrote "I Love Terrin Forever-Ken."
I tried to pass it off as just a coincidence, but I knew then that I miss him. Maybe it's just because he's my first love and will forever be. I don't know.
I kinda really miss my life, and I just want it back.

 "All Black"

Take a look at my life, all black
Take a look at my clothes, all black
Like Johnny Cash, all black
Like The Rolling Stones wanna paint it black

Like the night that we met, all black
Like the colour of your dress, all black
Like the seats in my Cadillac
I used to see red, now it's just all black

As long as I could remember I dreamed in black and white
As I grew up and the sun went down, I never felt more alright
My mother she use to tell me: Son you better get to church
It's a dark, dark world and it's evil out there and you know it's only getting worse
Yeah, I've never been much for weddings or anniversaries
But I go to a funeral if I'm invited any day of the week
Some people say that I sound strange, some say that I'm not right
But I find beauty in this world every single night

Take a look at my life, all black
Take a look at my clothes, all black
Like Johnny Cash, all black
Like The Rolling Stones wanna paint it black

Like the night that we met, all black
Like the colour of your dress, all black
Like the seats in my Cadillac
I used to see red, now it's just all black

I sat down at her table at the end of the night
She was having black coffee and a cigarette, she wasn't wearing white
She said, people tell me that I'm strange, they say that I am not right
She said, the only time I feel alive is in the dead of night
I think I found the one for me

Take a look at my life, all black
Take a look at my clothes, all black
Like Johnny Cash, all black
Like The Rolling Stones wanna paint it black

Like the night that we met, all black
Like the colour of your dress, all black
Like the seats in my Cadillac
I used to see red, now it's just all black

I remember feeling so alive
The night I looked into her eyes

Take a look at my life, all black
Take a look at my clothes, all black
Like Johnny Cash, all black
Like The Rolling Stones wanna paint it black

Like the night that we met, all black
Like the colour of your dress, all black
Like the seats in my Cadillac
I used to see red, I used to see red

Take a look at my life (all black)
Take a look at my life (all black)
Take a look at my life (all black)
All black, all black
Take a look at my life (all black)
Take a look at my life (all black)
Take a look at my life (all black)
All black, all black, all black, all black, all black

January 15, 2007
 
I guess I'll let them be together. I don't know. I really love him and I'm basically in love with him. But I want him happy more than anything, so I want him happy more than having him. I don't know.
I hope they have fun being together. He deserves everything lovely in the world.
Sigh.

January 11, 2007.

He notices when every other girl is sad. Never see's the tears falling down my face. I feel like I've lost him. I'm not sure if I even know him anymore. He has changed so much. We can't hold conversations, no matter how many topics I change it to. I just seem to be nothing in his eyes anymore. I miss hanging out with him all the time; and being able to run to him whenever; and talking to him for so long. I miss those times a lot. )':
I feel like my life is falling apart, but for some reason when I say that he calls me over dramatic or thinks that I am immature. But when she or her or even HER say it, his world stops. I remember when I was the only one who could make his world stop. Sigh.
I don't even know anymore.
I guess the worst is that he let me go. It can't be over, I just need one chance to make this right.
Ugggh, I hate crying.

January 04, 2008  7:01PM

"Won't Go Home Without You"

I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say
Oh
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

The taste of your breath, I'll never get over
The noises that you made kept me awake
Oh
The weight of things that remaind unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

Of all the things I felt but never really shown
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
 

January 04, 2008

I'm sorry everybody but I will never move on.


I AM IN LOVE WITH LADD MICHAEL LUKAS.
Nobody makes me feel; how he does.
He owns my heart, and he would have it if he wanted it.
Until he wants to hold it; I'll wear it on my sleeve.
I'm vulnerable. & I don't even care anymore.
I am in love with my Best Friend.
That'll never change.
I'm sorry.

Bye. 

January 03, 2007 4:55PM 

I feel like nothing more but shit. 
I feel blown-off, even though it's not his fault.
I feel like trash. When am I ever gunna be good enough?

 January 03, 2008

I now trust nobody. I can't believe people do this kind of shit to you. The people that you least expect to talk shit about you, behind your back, do it anyways. People that you've trusted with your life for a while now, just disrespect you and humiliate you. And people whom you already trust tell lies to people who they know mean the world to you. Why do I try anymore? Everything is now full of lies and deceptions. I don't even understand why I try to talk to them, or try to trust them. I have the value of sand in there life, they don't care about me. Whatever, I can't even explain the anger and amount of defilement I feel inside right now. My heart, soul, mind, and trust has just completely gone through annihilation. How could my heart be any more demented? I didn't think it was possible either. How am I just supposed to be able to ricochet back up from this?!
Uuugh, why can't I just be happy? And why does every one around me have to be so damn happy? Why does every one expect me to be happy!? I don't care how old I am, what grade I am, how much life i have left! That doesn't stop the pain now. It just makes me think about how much longer I'll be sad. I thought I knew them. )''':
FUCK!

January 02, 2008  5:42PM

I re-wrote these lyrics:

"More Than A Memory"

People say he's only in my head
It's Gonna take time but I'll forget
They Say I need to get on with my life
They don't realize

Is when you're dialing 6 numbers just to hang up the phone
Walkin across town just to see if he's home
Waking a friend in the dead of the night
Just to hear her say its gonna be alright
When you're finding things to do not fall asleep
Cause Know he will be there in your dreams
That's when he's more than a memory

Took a match to everything I ever wrote
Watched my words go up in smoke
Tore all the pictures off the wall
That ain't helping me at all

Cause when you're talking out loud but nobody's there
You look like hell and you just don't care
Drinking more than you ever drank
Sinking down lower than you ever sank
When you find yourself falling down upon your knees
Praying to god, begging him "please"
that's when he's more than a memory

He's more
He's more

Cause when you're dialing his number just hang up the phone
Walkin across town just to see if he's home
Waking a friend in the dead of night
Just to hear him say it's gonna be alright
When you're finding things to do not to fall asleep
Cause you know he's waiting in your dreams
That's when he's more than a memory

People say he's only in my head
It's Gonna take time but I'll forget

January 02, 2008

It's officially a new year. Eww. Nothing feels different. I still am sad. But now things are worse.
I have a crush on Julian. And he has one on me. But a crush is nothing to how much I am in love with Ladd. If Ladd liked me ever again, I would bawl. I would cry so hard. I was reading mine and Ladd's old comments, and listening to the songs that I had ever dedicated to him. I was crying so hard. I was choking because I couldn't catch my breath in between sobs. I was a wreak. And all I wanted was to be like that with him again.
I wish I was still his everything, like he used to tell me all the time. I wish I still woke up to a text from him every morning saying "good morning beautiful, how did you sleep?" And I wish I fell asleep to "sweet dreams gorgeous. I love you more than anything." Like I always used to.

)'=
Sigh.
I guess, I just wish that I held his heart again.